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I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
Hitler ended up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire...so, that's fun. And that's funny. Because he was a mass-murdering f**khead!
It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
What is stand-up comedy?
Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.
It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.
In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.
