Quotes
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!"
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
One time a guy handed me a picture and said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger! "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.