Quotes
There's two positions in snowboarding. One is looking cool and the other is DEAD!
I didn't tell anyone at school that I was a transvestite, because I was afraid they'd kill me with sticks.
I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death.
So, what's my point? And racist people, interestingly are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside...fucking blue people eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters.."
Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.
I am two lesbians in a man's body.
Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"
I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!"
We have two hundred languages in Europe. Two hundred languages! Count them! I know you won't!
I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here' You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!'
Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. "In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran."
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!
I think on the seventh day, God was running around, going, “Oh, my God! What haven’t I…? Rwanda! I better create Rwanda! Sorry, haven’t quite done that… The Tower of Pisa! Oh, it’s leaning… Oh, shi… done! Toilets in French camping sites… there we go. English football hooligans… there we go, whatever that is… Mrs. Thatcher’s heart… there we go… oh, fuck that! I know, I’ll put a stone in, that’ll work! There we go…” The next week, I think, people are coming back, going, “Rwanda doesn’t work very well; infrastructure’s fucked.”
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.”
I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree then prehaps I should, so that other giraffes may die
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!” “Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.