Best short quotes

I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship.'

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you're tired and most of your balls are missing.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven.. Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

What is stand-up comedy?

Stand-up comedy is a performance for a live audience. Usually one or multiple performers called comics or stand-up comedians are speaking directly to their audience. Typically a performer tells a routine of jokes or funny monologue with various stories and anecdotes chained together.

It's not uncommon for acting, pantomime, magic tricks * or singing to be used to increase variety of such performance.

In United Kingdom stand-up comedy began gaining popularity in 18th century and raised many great performers like Arthur Askey, Max Miller and Ken Dodd. The comedians were heavily censored and had to get their act approved and adapted to the censorship.